Jimmy Kimmel toasted the radio and streaming television landscape and pulled through his monologue at Disney’s annual pre-launch on Tuesday despite battling a case of COVID-19.
The late-night host, who appeared remotely at the event, delivered a searing stand-up routine to advertisers during the corporate event, poking fun at traditional broadcasters like ABC, as well as streamers Netflix, Disney+ and Amazon.
Here are some of the best jokes from Kimmel’s monologue.
– “You know, every year I say ‘Fuck Netflix’. And this year it came true. Netflix has lost subscribers for the first time ever; it’s really tough over there. You have layoffs today. I heard they might not even be able to bring Emily back from Paris. Their solution to this lack of subscribers is to crack down on password sharing. Remember when Netflix openly encouraged us to share passwords? We asked ourselves, “How do these people make money?” Turns out they don’t. So now they’re coming for our advertising money – actually your money, but you know what I mean. And it sucks. While I have to admit these smug bastards have been choking the life out of us for years, it feels really good to see them deign to sell ads. Everyone loves Bridgeton. How much do you think they’re gonna love it when it’s punctuated by a tech commercial every four minutes, you billion dollar cocks? We already have the Netflix with commercials — it’s called Hulu. Salute to Hulu, the Stephen Baldwin of streaming platforms.”
– “NBC has just picked up one new drama, and it’s a reboot of the 59th most popular show of 1990. Really – quantum leap. You reboot quantum leap and night court. This is not a fall program. Those are the tapes you found in your dead uncle’s VCR.”
— “Our reviews are in the toilet right now. But with your financial support, it could be in one of those fancy Japanese restrooms.”
— “There are too many pluses to compete with: Disney+, Hulu+, Paramount+, Apple TV+. It’s a plus ter fuck. There’s even a Crackle+, and I’m not kidding. Anyone who thought we needed a Crackle+ must be smoking crack at home.”
— “There are many who say that network television is dying. I’m not that optimistic. And yet, even though ratings have fallen, advertising spending for TV networks rose 37 percent in the first quarter of this year. How is that possible? The more viewers we lose, the more money you give us. What message does that send?”
— “Of course the streamers crush us. We are a fax machine five years after they invented email.”
—”The bachelor celebrates 20 years in our network. Many people ask how we continue The bachelor franchise fresh. The answer is very simple: we are not. We’ll keep going until everyone has herpes. Ask what’s next The bachelor is like asking what’s next for White Castle. It’s yucky little burgers and crunchy fries, what don’t you understand?”
—”Dancing with the stars was scooped to Disney+. We’re moving a show watched almost exclusively by seniors to a platform watched almost exclusively by children and adult virgins.”
— “Hulu is doing well. They now have the Kardashians, or the Kardashians have Hulu. I actually learned a lot from this show last week. I learned the difference between Big Dick Energy and Big Ball Energy. … I know this because ‘storytelling is at the heart of everything Disney does.’”
– “Fox didn’t even bother to post a fall schedule yesterday, which doesn’t make sense. Why pay in advance at all? But what if CBS said, “Hey, we’re not going to release a fall schedule.” If there isn’t a fall schedule, how are we supposed to know? Blue blood still running?”
– “NBC paid almost $8 billion for the Olympics that turned out to be the lowest-rated ever. I have to say it’s surprising that viewers didn’t think watching skiers jump in the shadow of an abandoned nuclear power plant was the feel-good story of the year.”
– “One of the few new shows CBS has picked up starring Marcia Gay Harden. Or, as she’s called in Florida, Marcia Harden.”
— “A Disney CEO has never spoken upfront before, and now we know why. bob [Chapek]I think I speak for all of us when I say we can’t wait to see you GI Jane 2.”
— “We may not have the Olympics, Young Sheldon or 14 shows about Chicago – but you know what we’ve got? Nathan fucks Fillion. The man your mother would kill your father for.”
– “We just want you to spend your money with us and if you don’t, I died of COVID for no reason.”