You know what time it is: It’s time to delve into another viral and compelling Reddit thread on Am I The Asshole.
In case you’re not familiar with r/AmItheAsshole, it’s a place where people share their stories and ask if they’re wrong about certain (often juicy) situations.
This thread from u/Fuzzy-Pen-1457 (henceforth referred to as OP, for Original Poster) has to do with a man who was pretty mad at her for making her buy drinks all night.
Let’s get into that. Here’s the story, according to the OP: “My friend ‘Grace’ invited me to a board game bar to play and have a drink with her, her boyfriend, and one of her friends, ‘Nick’.”
We went for drinks together, Grace went with her boyfriend. Meanwhile Nick and I stayed at the table and vice versa. So Nick and I had enough time just to talk to the two of us. Nick started the evening by telling me about his recent career change: he decided to quit his previous job, go to a coding boot camp, and get a job as a developer a month or two ago. He was very proud of himself and his new salary and told me that several times.”
But here’s the twist: OP is also a software engineer, something she didn’t share with Nick. “He never asked me what I did for a living, but he talked quite a bit about his new job, occasionally saying, ‘Sorry, you don’t understand, haha.’ For the whole evening I never told him I’d been a software engineer for the last four years because he never asked, and I honestly found it a bit entertaining.”
“As for the drinks, he invited me to every single one. ‘Don’t worry, with my developer salary it’s not a problem.’ I’ve told him several times that he doesn’t have to pay for me, but he insisted.”
At the end of the evening, however, things took a turn when everyone said goodbye. Nick took out his phone to add the OP on Facebook and saw that she is also a software engineer. “He asked me if it’s true that I’m a software developer and I said yes. He asked me why I didn’t tell him, why I let him think I was a cashier like Grace used to be (I never implied that) and why I let him pay for everything when I probably make more than he.”
“I told him he never asked and assumed it was his fault. He could have just asked me about my job, but he just wanted to brag about his. But if he wanted I could pay him back for the drinks.”
“He was angry and said I had made a fool of him. I think he did it, not me. But now Grace and her boyfriend are on his side too, saying it didn’t cost me anything to tell him early tonight and I just kept it to myself for my own entertainment.”
People were quick to come up with their hot takes in the comments. Many felt this was on Nick for not letting the OP have his say:
“Just maybe if he had engaged with STFU for five seconds and asked what she does for a living, he would have figured out they had something in common and could have had a real conversation with OP.”
“He was so focused on bragging about his job that he never bothered to stop and ask about hers. In my opinion, paying for the drinks is just the asshole tax for having to listen to him all night, he sounds obnoxious. (But offering to pay it back was a considerate gesture, and if it were just for the money it should have been enough to avoid further drama).”
Others pointed out that this situation is (unfortunately) nothing new for women in tech:
“The poor OP was in a no-win situation. Shut up and listen to him brag, or say she’s a software engineer with four years of experience and get accused of emasculating him, downplaying his accomplishments, or having sex with the bosses of theirs Position.”
“As a colleague, a software engineer, I know what it’s like and would have done the same. I’ve sat and listened to men brag about what they do and how much they make, and offered to buy me drinks at events are at… Honestly, if their self worth is based on their job and they haven’t asked for yours (I’d also tell them if they ask, don’t ever do it) then they deserve it.
Some couldn’t help but notice the sexism of it all:
“You didn’t ask him to pay for your drinks and you told him he didn’t have to. He insisted. He was sexist when he assumed you didn’t have a job that would make you comfortable (especially convenient enough to buy your own drinks!). He bragged and showed off – only to find out he was making a fool of himself.”
And finally, one person pointed out that Nick pretty much revealed himself the second he made everything about him:
“If they’ve been talking for several hours and he’s never asked the OP about her job, that’s a big red flag.”